Tw: suicide attempts

dissolved

The first time

             she swallowed

a            handful

                         of pills, she can’t

get them down

at once,           has to take extra

            gulps

                    of water.              She chews

            a few,

                      the chalky residue

            stuck

            in the landscape

of her teeth.                   She soon

            panics,

                      the fear teasing

up

her

spine               like a lover’s

        kiss. This isn’t

what she wants.

                       The paramedics

shove charcoal down

                       her

                       throat,

her mouth filled

          with the black

                    residue and half-

                    dissolved pills

she retches up.          The next time

         she fingers the glossy

metal,            the 9mm her boyfriend

taught her to shoot      but not

                                 to fear.

She presses it

                       against her temple,

tucks it under    her chin, wraps

her lips around it – the deadliest

                      blow-job. Takes a deep

           breath. Releases

her mouth.                   Places the gun

           in the drawer. Lies

down.           Now she says she doesn’t

         want to die,

        just        sleep,   forever,

a dreamless sleep

                                 where she exists

but has              dissolved, unlike the chalky

           pills

                  she vomited twenty

years ago.

Courtney LeBlanc is the author of the chapbooks All in the Family (Bottlecap Press) and The Violence Within (Flutter Press) and is an MFA candidate at Queens University of Charlotte. Her poetry is published or forthcoming in Public Pool, Rising Phoenix Review, The Legendary, Germ Magazine,Quail Bell Magazine, Brain Mill Press, Haunted Waters Press, and others. She loves nail polish, wine, and tattoos. Read her blog atwww.wordperv.com, follow her on twitter: @wordperv, or find her on facebook: www.facebook.com/poetry.CourtneyLeBlanc.  

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